January 8, 2009 by j.

Hullo, the time has flown by and we’re already firmly planted in next year. What!?

In the days following this warm and fuzzy holiday season, I spent time looking at friends’ pictures from their holiday parties, their visits with family, reunions, etc. I realized that more and more of my friends now have growing families of their own… now that their little ones are no longer babies but are children, the reality that we’re all now adults (omigod) is that much clearer. Remember the very first time you did something that felt remarkably adult? Corked a bottle of wine and drank it out of your own proper wine glass, for instance.. or bought some shmancy kitchen gear that you didn’t need but rather wanted. Didn’t you feel a bit like it was playing pretend? Well I think we’ve reached a point where it’s not pretend any more, and it’s time to own up that this really is our time. We are the kings of the world! The masters of the universe! This is our time! Huzzah!! Suck on that, 2009!

Interestingly, some pictures I look at of friends holding their young children… my perspective flips and I’m brought back to my own memories of being a teenager and flipping through old photo albums, of pictures of myself as a baby and of my folks before I was born. How young mom looked, how sexy! Look how long her legs are, and those SHOES!! My mom wouldn’t be caught dead in stilettos today, but there’s photographic proof that she was a foxy lil thing before I came along. Bellbottoms and long gypsy hair, platform stilettos, the whole foxy 70s bit. Hot! (No wonder she snorts when I try to impress her with my shoes.) Every photo that we take today, we will shock and surprise our kids with one day - whether it’s a good surprise or a bad surprise is another story. Think on that.

Things I have learned over the last month:

-I have the greatest friends in the world. <-- cheeeeeeesy!
-I have angels watching me (This keeps me up at night. I don't like being watched.)
-A giraffe can drink up to 12 gallons of water in one session. Its heart is 2 feet long!
-Saying NYE is so much cooler than saying new years eve.
-Gingerbread men and gingerbread women lead dark personal lives.
-Ann Coulter looks a lot like that crazy lady that divorced Paul McCartney and then dragged him through court. I guess crazy has a "look" after all.
-Love without drama is just about the nicest surprise ever.
-I am happy.

Posted in | No Comments »

December 16, 2008 by j.

She sat with crossed legs by the Christmas tree, idly humming wordless Christmas tunes.. sometimes humming the melody, sometimes the harmony. Who can tell the difference anyway.. her only audience is a chubby little beagle who has snuggled up under a fuzzy pillow and is sighing contentedly in sleep.

The lights of the tree cast a soft glow on the stack of naked Christmas gifts waiting to be clothed, and the smooth rolls of pretty patterned paper restfully awaiting their holiday destiny. There are decisions to be made. The green paper should go with the gold ribbon. Hmm.. the striped paper matches the green paper too… she’ll wrap the books in those and tie them together with a bit of string. That big box for dad gets the Santa paper, definitely. The next several hours pass in gentle silence, with only the sounds of wrapping punctuating the stillness. She happily wraps gift after gift. Unroll and smooth. Cut. Fold. Tape. Cut. Tie. Tape. Cut. Tape. Tape. Tape.

Finally the stacks of presents sit proudly in their new colorful garb. She stands up, stretches her stiff muscles, and smooths her rumpled pants before beginning to put everything away, when ….. oh no! Several very large holes gape back at her from the legs of her pants, the abashed skin peeking through shyly. Stupid overzealous scissors!!!

Posted in | No Comments »

December 15, 2008 by j.

Will you, won’t you, be the one I’ll always know?
When I’m losing my control, the city spins around..
You’re the only one who knows.. you slow it down.
~ The Fray ~

Posted in | 1 Comment »

November 29, 2008 by j.

I whispered, ‘I am too young,’
And then, ‘I am old enough’;
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
‘Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.’
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.

~ William Butler Yeats ~

Posted in | 1 Comment »

November 18, 2008 by j.

Victor & Darani
1 November 2008
Chevy Chase, Maryland

So one week after Halloween, I had already accepted/declined four invitations to various holiday parties… this stressed me out majorly and I felt extremely pressured to choose a date for my own annual party. The pressure, aahhh!! On the bright side, this has given me plenty of time to plan out a menu for my own Christmas party - after much thought and with the help of the google gods, I have chosen to serve TURPORKEN. Yes, it is exactly what you think it is!

Another variation on the turducken (my starting inspiration) that I came across in my web adventures is the HOTCHKEN, also known as “the poor man’s turducken”. It is a chicken, stuffed with hot dogs. Haha, I am soo going to have to try making that!

I went paintballing for the first time last week. It was hella fun, scrambling around and hiding behind trees like freakin Jack Bauer vs. the Mohicans. It invokes some pretty serious bloodlust though, and getting shot by those things is no joke. I’m still nursing several pretty purple bruises and a few bumps on the noggin. At one point, I tried to dodge some paintballs coming at me Matrix-style, but this resulted only in ensuring that I got clocked square on the forehead with one. Does this mean that I am not The One?

Gentlemen, here is a guide to holiday romance. (more of it is true than I care to admit about my own kind…)

Posted in | No Comments »

October 29, 2008 by j.

When did the word “ass” become an adjective? We hear it every day in conversation….. a big ass house, a tall ass dude, a deep ass voice, a huge ass sandwich. What exactly is an ass sandwich?? I wish everyone would just use “ass” the way it’s supposed to be used. On the can.

So everyone’s going crazy for Halloween this year, and I’m totally jazzed about it. I am going to be Jesus, and I tried really hard to put a gory spin on it in honor of the holiday…. Jesus attacked by a shark! Jesus gored by a bull! Jesus with an arrow in his head!! But everyone poo-poohs these ideas as if they never could have happened. What a bunch of nancy naysayers. I’m sure that at some point in his life, Jesus came into contact with a shark and/or a bull (though probably not at the same time, I will admit). Maybe not while he was hanging out in the desert, but there are unwritten chronicles of his life that we know nothing about.

Hater: Jesus was never attacked by a shark.
Me: You don’t know that. You weren’t there.
Hater: I know it. The bible says nothing about a sharkbite.
Me: Jesus walked on water.
Hater: ON water. Not IN water.
Me: So you’re saying that sharks are incapable of breaking the surface of the water.
Hater: No…
Me: Plus, there was an ark.
Hater: ……………I really doubt that the shark was ON the ark.
Me: Yes, that is a good point.
Hater: Besides, Jesus wasn’t there. That was Noah.
Me: Whatever. It’s JESUS, dude! He probably took that shark and turned it into a million sharks. And then fed the poor with them. Jesus was a humanitarian you know.
Hater: …
Me: I bet he even forgave the shark. And offered him some more flesh to eat.
Hater: Maybe Jesus couldn’t swim.

Posted in | No Comments »

October 18, 2008 by j.

This is a public service announcement: Guys. Nose hairs. Seriously, handle that situation…. we’re not blind you know.

Posted in | 1 Comment »

October 5, 2008 by j.

October 1, 2008 by j.

A DC native, I have a natural affinity for the Redskins…. some years have been more frustrating than others, but I’ve always felt a loyalty to them. So this past sunday while we were at the Buffalo Battle between two Georgetown chefs, munching thoughtfully on ginormous piles of wings, it was with an unreal sensation that I came face to face with some folks that I grew up seeing on TV. The Hogettes. Childhood heroes? Perhaps not. But seeing them in person somehow felt like coming home.

September 22, 2008 by j.

An update to my previous post. Jojoba beads will make your dog poop some crumbly madness. It’s so horrifying. On the upside though, Maddy’s insides are now exfoliated to shiny newness. It’s like having a brand new dog.

Posted in | 1 Comment »