So everyone’s going crazy for Halloween this year, and I’m totally jazzed about it. I am going to be Jesus, and I tried really hard to put a gory spin on it in honor of the holiday…. Jesus attacked by a shark! Jesus gored by a bull! Jesus with an arrow in his head!! But everyone poo-poohs these ideas as if they never could have happened. What a bunch of nancy naysayers. I’m sure that at some point in his life, Jesus came into contact with a shark and/or a bull (though probably not at the same time, I will admit). Maybe not while he was hanging out in the desert, but there are unwritten chronicles of his life that we know nothing about.

Hater: Jesus was never attacked by a shark.
Me: You don’t know that. You weren’t there.
Hater: I know it. The bible says nothing about a sharkbite.
Me: Jesus walked on water.
Hater: ON water. Not IN water.
Me: So you’re saying that sharks are incapable of breaking the surface of the water.
Hater: No…
Me: Plus, there was an ark.
Hater: ……………I really doubt that the shark was ON the ark.
Me: Yes, that is a good point.
Hater: Besides, Jesus wasn’t there. That was Noah.
Me: Whatever. It’s JESUS, dude! He probably took that shark and turned it into a million sharks. And then fed the poor with them. Jesus was a humanitarian you know.
Hater: …
Me: I bet he even forgave the shark. And offered him some more flesh to eat.
Hater: Maybe Jesus couldn’t swim.

Lessons I have learned in the last week:

- Jojoba beads are not poisonous for consumption by dogs, in any quantity. That being said, you will still get ridiculed by Poison Control for calling to ask.
- My dog will eat anything in a plastic bag, no matter how long it takes her to get to it. If it’s sealed in a plastic bag, it must be delicious.
- It is in POOR form to get babbling drunk on a date
- A meal of chips and salsa will come back to haunt you. (This is unrelated to previous point.)
- There is too such a dance as “the shopping cart”.
- There may be a dance called “the frying pan”, but this confuses me.
- Just because you’re rich doesn’t mean you’re interesting.
- One of the symptoms for lyme disease is reduced mental capacity and a lowered IQ. I think I know *many* people with lyme disease.

Things I have done to pass the time:

- eaten a mango
- arranged all of my unopened mail in order by size
- stared at my snoring dog for 20 minutes with my laserbeam eyeballs and mentally willed her to wake up (it didn’t work)
- googled all of the coworkers I could think of. I had to stop when I embarassingly started to actually find things.
- folded one pair of socks before getting bored of doing chores. Then I unfolded them and put them on.
- watched a DVR’d episode of The Hills
- watched an infomercial for the Malibu Pilates gadget.. which I kind of want now
- opened my freezer 92085 times, not sure searching for what..
- googled McDonald’s to see when it opens, so I can go get an egg mcmuffin
- pored carefully over a J.Crew catalog and earmarked about $2000 worth of clothing that I’m not going to buy

The pictures of young women wearing cocktail dresses in the J.Crew catalog brought up a very old memory for me. My sixth grade graduation was a big event. We had a rehearsal and learned a song to sing and everything (I think it was a lil ditty about being friends forever). All of the girls were going to wear these scrunchy frilly hot pink dresses that were much too tight and horribly slutty for 12-year old girls.. but it was the fashion of the times and I would have cut my right arm off for one. I dragged my mom to the mall at least a dozen times and modeled the slutty dress for her, purring at myself in the mirror and testing its stretchiness, and willing her to see what I saw. But, my mom very practically said This is a dress you’re going to wear one time. And it’s very ugly.

I cried.

My mom altered a dress for me to wear for my big day - I regret that I don’t know what the dress looked like before she began, since I was studiously ignoring her while she worked hard at it. I was such a little brat. The dress was a sleeveless cream colored fitted dress with pretty amber and pale blue stripes along the bottom and around the waist. My mom also magically made me a headband to match. Looking back, it was entirely pretty and I should have been so proud but instead, I put it on and thought only about how horribly plain I was going to look next to all of my super cool classmates, who were going to be wearing makeup and channeling very cool and very neon Debbie Gibsons.

But.. when I stomped into the living room to show my dress off to my dad, his eyes lit up and he said You look like a princess!

It was the nicest thing he had ever said to me in my entire life. And to this day, it’s still somewhere in the top ten.

I *refuse* to get up and make the bed based on the principle that I’m already in it and supposed to happily asleep right now. I know I’m right. I know I’m right. I know I’m right. Gah!!

Hm, I’m a little hungry. I might get up and eat a mango.