jesus

When did the word “ass” become an adjective? We hear it every day in conversation….. a big ass house, a tall ass dude, a deep ass voice, a huge ass sandwich. What exactly is an ass sandwich?? I wish everyone would just use “ass” the way it’s supposed to be used. On the can.

So everyone’s going crazy for Halloween this year, and I’m totally jazzed about it. I am going to be Jesus, and I tried really hard to put a gory spin on it in honor of the holiday…. Jesus attacked by a shark! Jesus gored by a bull! Jesus with an arrow in his head!! But everyone poo-poohs these ideas as if they never could have happened. What a bunch of nancy naysayers. I’m sure that at some point in his life, Jesus came into contact with a shark and/or a bull (though probably not at the same time, I will admit). Maybe not while he was hanging out in the desert, but there are unwritten chronicles of his life that we know nothing about.

Hater: Jesus was never attacked by a shark.
Me: You don’t know that. You weren’t there.
Hater: I know it. The bible says nothing about a sharkbite.
Me: Jesus walked on water.
Hater: ON water. Not IN water.
Me: So you’re saying that sharks are incapable of breaking the surface of the water.
Hater: No…
Me: Plus, there was an ark.
Hater: ……………I really doubt that the shark was ON the ark.
Me: Yes, that is a good point.
Hater: Besides, Jesus wasn’t there. That was Noah.
Me: Whatever. It’s JESUS, dude! He probably took that shark and turned it into a million sharks. And then fed the poor with them. Jesus was a humanitarian you know.
Hater: …
Me: I bet he even forgave the shark. And offered him some more flesh to eat.
Hater: Maybe Jesus couldn’t swim.

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