October 29, 2008 by j.

When did the word “ass” become an adjective? We hear it every day in conversation….. a big ass house, a tall ass dude, a deep ass voice, a huge ass sandwich. What exactly is an ass sandwich?? I wish everyone would just use “ass” the way it’s supposed to be used. On the can.

So everyone’s going crazy for Halloween this year, and I’m totally jazzed about it. I am going to be Jesus, and I tried really hard to put a gory spin on it in honor of the holiday…. Jesus attacked by a shark! Jesus gored by a bull! Jesus with an arrow in his head!! But everyone poo-poohs these ideas as if they never could have happened. What a bunch of nancy naysayers. I’m sure that at some point in his life, Jesus came into contact with a shark and/or a bull (though probably not at the same time, I will admit). Maybe not while he was hanging out in the desert, but there are unwritten chronicles of his life that we know nothing about.

Hater: Jesus was never attacked by a shark.
Me: You don’t know that. You weren’t there.
Hater: I know it. The bible says nothing about a sharkbite.
Me: Jesus walked on water.
Hater: ON water. Not IN water.
Me: So you’re saying that sharks are incapable of breaking the surface of the water.
Hater: No…
Me: Plus, there was an ark.
Hater: ……………I really doubt that the shark was ON the ark.
Me: Yes, that is a good point.
Hater: Besides, Jesus wasn’t there. That was Noah.
Me: Whatever. It’s JESUS, dude! He probably took that shark and turned it into a million sharks. And then fed the poor with them. Jesus was a humanitarian you know.
Hater: …
Me: I bet he even forgave the shark. And offered him some more flesh to eat.
Hater: Maybe Jesus couldn’t swim.

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October 18, 2008 by j.

This is a public service announcement: Guys. Nose hairs. Seriously, handle that situation…. we’re not blind you know.

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October 5, 2008 by j.

October 1, 2008 by j.

A DC native, I have a natural affinity for the Redskins…. some years have been more frustrating than others, but I’ve always felt a loyalty to them. So this past sunday while we were at the Buffalo Battle between two Georgetown chefs, munching thoughtfully on ginormous piles of wings, it was with an unreal sensation that I came face to face with some folks that I grew up seeing on TV. The Hogettes. Childhood heroes? Perhaps not. But seeing them in person somehow felt like coming home.