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stillness
When I was young, the concept of good and bad was pretty clear, and my path was drawn for me. September to May, I went to school every day and tried not to kill other kids with sports equipment in the afternoon hours. Summertimes were spent in the sun, laughing and enjoying my youth, and trying hard not to think about the next September approaching so quickly. The general rules of life were: don’t break the law, don’t break your friends, try not to piss mom and dad off.
As I got older, the rules and the path became more vague. I had more choices. But there was still always that clear choice of what I “should” do. You know what I’m talking about. The angel on your shoulder that tells you not to eat the donut, not to quit your job, not to hit the handicapped old lady. One must be responsible, after all.
Recently, I have found myself in a situation where this is no path at all. The “should“s have fallen away like the leaves in the autumn. What’s left is a skeleton of thoughts and dreams long abandoned and neglected. I don’t know if it’s age or what, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things that are important to me and the excuses I’ve come up with along the way to dodge those important things. I thought it would be scary to face this beast, but it’s oddly … still.
Have you ever stood outside on a cool breezy day in the autumn when the breeze suddenly stops blowing? And the stillness snaps you to attention.. then you notice the birds calling, the smell of the grass, the warmth of the sun - it’s as if you were in a reverie up until that moment but suddenly woke up. You remember that soon it will be cold out so you try to savor this moment in time, because today.. today, life is good. That is how I feel today. Life is still. And I am trying to hear what god is saying to me.
Katsumoto: You believe a man can change his destiny?
Algren: I think a man does what he can, until his destiny is revealed.