November 18, 2008 by j.

Victor & Darani
1 November 2008
Chevy Chase, Maryland

So one week after Halloween, I had already accepted/declined four invitations to various holiday parties… this stressed me out majorly and I felt extremely pressured to choose a date for my own annual party. The pressure, aahhh!! On the bright side, this has given me plenty of time to plan out a menu for my own Christmas party - after much thought and with the help of the google gods, I have chosen to serve TURPORKEN. Yes, it is exactly what you think it is!

Another variation on the turducken (my starting inspiration) that I came across in my web adventures is the HOTCHKEN, also known as “the poor man’s turducken”. It is a chicken, stuffed with hot dogs. Haha, I am soo going to have to try making that!

I went paintballing for the first time last week. It was hella fun, scrambling around and hiding behind trees like freakin Jack Bauer vs. the Mohicans. It invokes some pretty serious bloodlust though, and getting shot by those things is no joke. I’m still nursing several pretty purple bruises and a few bumps on the noggin. At one point, I tried to dodge some paintballs coming at me Matrix-style, but this resulted only in ensuring that I got clocked square on the forehead with one. Does this mean that I am not The One?

Gentlemen, here is a guide to holiday romance. (more of it is true than I care to admit about my own kind…)

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October 29, 2008 by j.

When did the word “ass” become an adjective? We hear it every day in conversation….. a big ass house, a tall ass dude, a deep ass voice, a huge ass sandwich. What exactly is an ass sandwich?? I wish everyone would just use “ass” the way it’s supposed to be used. On the can.

So everyone’s going crazy for Halloween this year, and I’m totally jazzed about it. I am going to be Jesus, and I tried really hard to put a gory spin on it in honor of the holiday…. Jesus attacked by a shark! Jesus gored by a bull! Jesus with an arrow in his head!! But everyone poo-poohs these ideas as if they never could have happened. What a bunch of nancy naysayers. I’m sure that at some point in his life, Jesus came into contact with a shark and/or a bull (though probably not at the same time, I will admit). Maybe not while he was hanging out in the desert, but there are unwritten chronicles of his life that we know nothing about.

Hater: Jesus was never attacked by a shark.
Me: You don’t know that. You weren’t there.
Hater: I know it. The bible says nothing about a sharkbite.
Me: Jesus walked on water.
Hater: ON water. Not IN water.
Me: So you’re saying that sharks are incapable of breaking the surface of the water.
Hater: No…
Me: Plus, there was an ark.
Hater: ……………I really doubt that the shark was ON the ark.
Me: Yes, that is a good point.
Hater: Besides, Jesus wasn’t there. That was Noah.
Me: Whatever. It’s JESUS, dude! He probably took that shark and turned it into a million sharks. And then fed the poor with them. Jesus was a humanitarian you know.
Hater: …
Me: I bet he even forgave the shark. And offered him some more flesh to eat.
Hater: Maybe Jesus couldn’t swim.

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October 18, 2008 by j.

This is a public service announcement: Guys. Nose hairs. Seriously, handle that situation…. we’re not blind you know.

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October 5, 2008 by j.

October 1, 2008 by j.

A DC native, I have a natural affinity for the Redskins…. some years have been more frustrating than others, but I’ve always felt a loyalty to them. So this past sunday while we were at the Buffalo Battle between two Georgetown chefs, munching thoughtfully on ginormous piles of wings, it was with an unreal sensation that I came face to face with some folks that I grew up seeing on TV. The Hogettes. Childhood heroes? Perhaps not. But seeing them in person somehow felt like coming home.

September 22, 2008 by j.

An update to my previous post. Jojoba beads will make your dog poop some crumbly madness. It’s so horrifying. On the upside though, Maddy’s insides are now exfoliated to shiny newness. It’s like having a brand new dog.

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September 20, 2008 by j.

The seasons are turning. Isn’t it funny how we measure our lives in completely useless terms - what size pants do you wear? how many calories did you consume at lunch? what is your zip code? do you own a dyson? I’m trying to get back to the things that matter - I keep forgetting to focus on what is supposedly my life’s passion (ironic, isn’t it?) Perhaps I’m just not brave enough to follow through.

Lessons I have learned in the last week:

- Jojoba beads are not poisonous for consumption by dogs, in any quantity. That being said, you will still get ridiculed by Poison Control for calling to ask.
- My dog will eat anything in a plastic bag, no matter how long it takes her to get to it. If it’s sealed in a plastic bag, it must be delicious.
- It is in POOR form to get babbling drunk on a date
- A meal of chips and salsa will come back to haunt you. (This is unrelated to previous point.)
- There is too such a dance as “the shopping cart”.
- There may be a dance called “the frying pan”, but this confuses me.
- Just because you’re rich doesn’t mean you’re interesting.
- One of the symptoms for lyme disease is reduced mental capacity and a lowered IQ. I think I know *many* people with lyme disease.

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September 7, 2008 by j.

It is 3am. I have achieved a holy grail of single women everywhere. Huzzah!

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September 3, 2008 by j.

It’s hopeless. I just wasn’t meant to sleep tonight. I wonder if God had some awesome plan for me tonight, and I wasted the opportunity by being mad at my bedsheets.

Things I have done to pass the time:

- eaten a mango
- arranged all of my unopened mail in order by size
- stared at my snoring dog for 20 minutes with my laserbeam eyeballs and mentally willed her to wake up (it didn’t work)
- googled all of the coworkers I could think of. I had to stop when I embarassingly started to actually find things.
- folded one pair of socks before getting bored of doing chores. Then I unfolded them and put them on.
- watched a DVR’d episode of The Hills
- watched an infomercial for the Malibu Pilates gadget.. which I kind of want now
- opened my freezer 92085 times, not sure searching for what..
- googled McDonald’s to see when it opens, so I can go get an egg mcmuffin
- pored carefully over a J.Crew catalog and earmarked about $2000 worth of clothing that I’m not going to buy

The pictures of young women wearing cocktail dresses in the J.Crew catalog brought up a very old memory for me. My sixth grade graduation was a big event. We had a rehearsal and learned a song to sing and everything (I think it was a lil ditty about being friends forever). All of the girls were going to wear these scrunchy frilly hot pink dresses that were much too tight and horribly slutty for 12-year old girls.. but it was the fashion of the times and I would have cut my right arm off for one. I dragged my mom to the mall at least a dozen times and modeled the slutty dress for her, purring at myself in the mirror and testing its stretchiness, and willing her to see what I saw. But, my mom very practically said This is a dress you’re going to wear one time. And it’s very ugly.

I cried.

My mom altered a dress for me to wear for my big day - I regret that I don’t know what the dress looked like before she began, since I was studiously ignoring her while she worked hard at it. I was such a little brat. The dress was a sleeveless cream colored fitted dress with pretty amber and pale blue stripes along the bottom and around the waist. My mom also magically made me a headband to match. Looking back, it was entirely pretty and I should have been so proud but instead, I put it on and thought only about how horribly plain I was going to look next to all of my super cool classmates, who were going to be wearing makeup and channeling very cool and very neon Debbie Gibsons.

But.. when I stomped into the living room to show my dress off to my dad, his eyes lit up and he said You look like a princess!

It was the nicest thing he had ever said to me in my entire life. And to this day, it’s still somewhere in the top ten.

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September 3, 2008 by j.

It’s 2:14 am and I’m wide awake. I know this has happened to you before too - I’ve been flopping around in bed for the last hour… my bedsheets were (are) all rumpled and twisted up unnaturally around my body like a big 600 thread-count venus flytrap. My pajama bottoms are also twisted and turned every way but the right way, and the legs keep creeping up. Does this happen every night? Do I just not notice it? I’m so pissed off!!!

I *refuse* to get up and make the bed based on the principle that I’m already in it and supposed to happily asleep right now. I know I’m right. I know I’m right. I know I’m right. Gah!!

Hm, I’m a little hungry. I might get up and eat a mango.

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